Jerry Seinfeld

"There are many things we can point to as proof that the human being is not smart. The helmet is my personal favorite: the fact that we had to invent the helmet. Now, why did we invent the helmet? Well, because we were participating in many activities that were crackin our heads. We looked at the situation. We chose not to avoid these activities, but to just make little plastic hats so that we can continue our head-crackin lifestyles. The only thing dumber than the helmet is the helmet law, the point of which is to protect a brain that is functioning so poorly, its not even tryin to stop the cracking of the head that its in!"

"Most comedians do not relate to cars. I dont know why."

"Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To us, sex is an emergency, and no matter what were doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. Theyre very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur."

"Heres the great thing about writing: you dont have to do it. All you have to do is not do anything else in that time frame. So: you put your idea down and... now, you dont have to do anything. You just sit there and you eventually will realize "Theres a problem here." Right? And your brain will naturally try and solve the problem, and the next thing you know, youre writing! So, its not about forcing yourself to write; its about creating a -- what do we call it? -- a "discrete space". Is that the right word? So, thats how you write: create a place and time where thats whats happening... but you dont have to write! Just be there with the problem."

"I was in Switzerland one time. Beautiful country! Great country. And interesting: 500 years without a war! Very impressive. Also very lucky for the Swiss Army! I dont know if youve ever seen that little Swiss Army knife? Its not much of a weapon! [...] If somebody attacks you, what do you pull out? Your nail clippers? "Cmon, buddy! Lets go!" "You get past me, the guy in back of mes got a spoon!"

"The comedy universe is a swamp of madness."