Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is tha — Jerry Seinfeld

"There are many things we can point to as proof that the human being is not smart. The helmet is my personal favorite: the fact that we had to invent the helmet. Now, why did we invent the helmet? Well, because we were participating in many activities that were crackin our heads. We looked at the situation. We chose not to avoid these activities, but to just make little plastic hats so that we can continue our head-crackin lifestyles. The only thing dumber than the helmet is the helmet law, the point of which is to protect a brain that is functioning so poorly, its not even tryin to stop the cracking of the head that its in!"

"Most comedians do not relate to cars. I dont know why."

"Heres the great thing about writing: you dont have to do it. All you have to do is not do anything else in that time frame. So: you put your idea down and... now, you dont have to do anything. You just sit there and you eventually will realize "Theres a problem here." Right? And your brain will naturally try and solve the problem, and the next thing you know, youre writing! So, its not about forcing yourself to write; its about creating a -- what do we call it? -- a "discrete space". Is that the right word? So, thats how you write: create a place and time where thats whats happening... but you dont have to write! Just be there with the problem."

"I was in Switzerland one time. Beautiful country! Great country. And interesting: 500 years without a war! Very impressive. Also very lucky for the Swiss Army! I dont know if youve ever seen that little Swiss Army knife? Its not much of a weapon! [...] If somebody attacks you, what do you pull out? Your nail clippers? "Cmon, buddy! Lets go!" "You get past me, the guy in back of mes got a spoon!"

"Thats [my dads] other big advice to me: "easy". I dont know what the hell that means. Every time we lift up something heavy, he goes "Easy now! Take it easy! Easy! Easy!" Its not easy; its very difficult. Okay? You want easy? Leave it here in the hallway. Thats easy."

"The comedy universe is a swamp of madness."

"Its queer how out of touch with truth women are. They live in a world of their own, and there had never been anything like it, and never can be. It is too beautiful altogether, and if they were to set it up it would go to pieces before the first sunset."

"Overtly, I had so-called normal relationships with a number of terrestrial women having pumpkins or pears for breasts; inly, I was consumed by a hell furnace of localized lust for every passing nymphet whom as a law-abiding poltroon I never dared approach. The human females I was allowed to wield were but palliative agents. I am ready to believe that the sensations I derived from natural fornication were much the same as those known to normal big males consorting with their normal big mates in that routine rhythm which shakes the world. The trouble was that those gentlemen had not, and I had, caught glimpses of an incomparably more poignant bliss. The dimmest of my pollutive dreams was a thousand times more dazzling than all the adultery the most virile writer of genius or the most talented impotent might imagine."

"While our primary goal is to maintain the most powerful military force in the world at the lowest possible cost, we will never be unmindful of those communities and individuals who are temporarily affected by changes in the pattern of Defense spending. Men and women, who have devoted their lives and their resources to the needs of their country, are entitled to help and consideration in making the transition to other pursuits. We will continue to help local communities by mobilizing and coordinating all the resources of the Federal Governments to overcome temporary difficulties created by the curtailment of any Defense activity. We will phase out unnecessary Defense operations in such a way as to lessen the impact on any community, and we will work with local communities to develop energetic programs of self-help, calling on the resources of state and local governments--and of private industry--as well as those of the Federal Government. There is ample evidence that such measures can succeed. Former military bases are now in use throughout the country in communities which have not only adjusted to necessary change, but have created greater prosperity for themselves as a result. Their accomplishments are a tribute to the ingenuity of thousands of our citizens, and a testimony to the strength and resiliency of our economy and our system of government."

"Are people naturally destructive, immoral, predatory and self-seeking, only to be kept in order by harsh laws and fiercely deterrent mandatory sentences? Or are men and women naturally orderly, merciful, humane and bred with a need for justice and mutual aid? Of course these qualities, or defects, are not evenly distributed, and undoubtedly there is much of each in all of us, but when it comes to the law some sort of distinction can be drawn. Are you a Shylock or a Bassanio? Shylock pinned his faith on the words in the contract, the nature of his bond and the duty of the state to uphold the letter of the law regardless of human suffering. Bassanio put another point of view. More important than the sanctity of the law was the plight of the individual parties in the particular case."

"I cant play games. I have friends, older women, who tell me Im foolish to let Roman know how deeply I care about him. They tell me all sorts of things like "keep a man guessing", "men become bored with too much devotion". They tell me I am being foolish. Well, foolish I am."

"Feminism liberated women from the natural dignity of their sex and turned them into inferior men."